A reader question:
Hi Muffy,
As a long time reader, I value your follower community’s feedback and insights on the blog and have a topic that I don’t think has been covered over there. The question is: As a single adult (female, over 40 but not yet 50) does anyone in SWNE land have any suggestions for meeting a like-minded Thing Before Preppy mate at this stage in life? I grew up in what used to be a very old money corner of my state and was somewhat of a late bloomer. In an act of rebellion, I went to a very non preppy university and never met anyone compatible there. After graduation, I focused on other areas of life and wasted some time on men that did not share my embrace of tradition ( which I very much regret ). Now it is proving impossible to meet a match that has the same cultural values, in addition to an affinity for OCBDs and beat up topsiders.
I have a broad circle of friends but the ones that are single/divorced are in the same conundrum and the others only seem to know married men or single men that “you definitely do not want to get mixed up with”. The idea if being on a dating site or app just feels seedy. Any browsing done on those platforms yielded sad results—lots of tight tank tops with tattoos or poses next to muscle cars or flexing selfies in the bathroom mirror. I have also joined organizations around my interests, but art, antiques, floral work and equestrian sports attract mostly women and some lovely gay men. I can’t be the only one in this lonely boat, so asking the community for any suggestions (or even success stories) of meeting a quality person in real life!
Dear Reader,
ReplyDeleteStay the course. I'm turning 40 later this year, and I, too, am a preppy (male) who values tradition and all the things this community represents. I've been in meaningful relationships, but never married or had kids and that's okay. I'm still looking, and I'm certainly not settling. I've never tried dating apps for the same reasons you seemed averse to them, but would never judge anyone who uses them; I'm sure they work for many folks. I can say that there are people who will share some/many of your interests and values out there. It's all about looking in the right places. I replied because I share some of the similar frustrations in this department as you lately, and thought you'd appreciate knowing there are more like-minded people out here still uncoupled!
I don't know what region or state you reside in, but that is always a factor, too. I'm in New England, so there is certainly a higher concentration of people that tend to share my value set here. Chin up! Feel free to reach out if you'd ever like to chat and swap war stories haha.
Seeing others/ comments, I will add, I have lots of hobbies and interests and that have been helpful in meeting people -- friends or romantic partners. I play and collect acoustic guitars, love reading and bookstores, I'm an avid sailor, I'm passionate about good food (who isn't?), and I appreciate art, travel, and history. I've been lucky to meet people who have become great friends through most/all of those avenues, without having to change who I am or what I'm interested in. I'm all for expanding one's horizons and meeting new people, but you shouldn't have to fundamentally bend all of your interests to find someone. I've enjoyed others' feedback here.
DeleteSounds like CRB and the letter writer need to meet! A potential preppy meet-cute courtesy of SWNE.
ReplyDeleteA SWNE dating game...
DeleteI'd love to connect with the author of the above letter if she ever feels so inclined. A SWNE pen pal of sorts, if you will. Hey, it worked for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (twice)...
DeleteFor what it's worth... join a library, arts, and gardening group. Is there a botanical garden near you looking for volunteers? Museum seeking docents? A sailing club (or beginners sailing club)? If you are in New England, Historic New England is always seeking volunteers.. might even have member events. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteYes, hang out in the museum if that suits your interest. The above advice is great. Don't try to become a golfer or classic car fan unless those pursuits interest you. Remain true to yourself.
DeleteIt’s harder, it seems, for a woman seeking companionship than it is for a man. The numbers, for starters, are on the mens’ side. And men, it seems, are more likely to have disqualifications like substance abuse or an unhealthy fixation on televised sports. If it is a man seeking companionship, I’d recommend joining a choir. Many à fling, as they say, gets started when people get together and sing!
ReplyDeleteLook to an old (very old) Dear Abby or Ann Landers suggestion in reply to similar questions. One's own church or temple congregation might yield a community of suitable prospects who share certain key values. Not sure if anyone has mentioned this, and I realize it sounds horribly old-fashioned (Please don't throw stones!), but joining the congregation of an old-line Protestant church (if you are not already a member) might introduce possibilities. The other suggestion is to stop looking. The admittedly trite cliche suggests that love turns up when we are not looking for it. To some degree that was my own experience.
ReplyDeleteKind Regards,
Heinz-Ulrich
Agree with Heinz-Ulrich. A suggestion to look to connect with someone in a religious congregation might seem "old-fashioned", but for us traditionally minded folk perhaps that is not so much of a stretch. Good people abound in Churches and Temples and volunteer work sponsored by the communities bring people together.
DeleteHere, here!
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't found what (who) you are looking for, try something new and different, or branch out within the same types of interests. Avocations, whether among those suggested here or not, are still one of the best ways to meet like-minded people. Some examples: there are plenty of groups through religious organizations that focus on volunteerism rather than religion. If you love horses but haven't found companionship through equestrian sports, there are several groups dedicated to life beyond horse competitions - Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation, Thoroughcare Aftercare Alliance, CANTER, EQUUS. Think creatively.
ReplyDeleteAlso, keep an open mind. Whether people who aren't partnered in their 40s had relationships that didn't go as planned, lost spouses to unexpected health issues, or had other reasons they didn't find someone (working too hard, for example), it doesn't mean they're damaged goods. What I can say from experience is that multiple divorced, widowed and/or single friends found companionship in their 40s and 50s.
Take up golf. Always lots of singles both male and female looking for a partner in a competition or to make up a four ball and usually very sociable in the bar afterwards. It's a relaxed way to meet someone and you can learn a lot about someone in the time it takes to play a round of golf. It's how I met my wife forty two years ago and we celebrate our forty first wedding anniversary on Monday!
ReplyDeleteI’m in total agreement with the idea of meeting someone playing golf.
DeleteI have several friends and relatives who have found friends and partners through golf.
Heinz-Ulrich's advice above to stop looking is probably the best, though most difficult, to follow.
ReplyDeleteAnother counter-intuitive idea is to stop looking for people who "share your interests." You will only meet people just like yourself. Is that really what you want? Marriage is a voyage of discovery, learning, and growth, or should be. Consider looking elsewhere. Values transcend interests and hobbies, social class, etc.
In fact, to be more controversial, there may be some values that are must-haves but too often "sharing my values" is code for "people like us." Think about the values that are core to you versus those that are simply preferences -- and consider chucking the latter away and adopting the most broadminded approach possible.
This. I'd revisit my requirements. Quality folk, who share your core values, may have tattoos or not wear boat shoes. Also, I wouldn't suggest taking up anything to meet men, that you don't have an actual interest in. Your potential mate could be a dedicated whateverer and then you'd be stuck with it!
DeleteYou do not want to be a marriage breaker but sometimes you can reconnect with someone you may have had feelings for in your younger days such as high school or college. I have heard people contact someone from their past and a relationship develops once they find out they are single.
ReplyDeleteHereI am! Signed, sealed, delivered! I’m yours!
ReplyDeleteHabitat for Humanity = volunteer. You'll meet great people and increase the flow of interesting people through your life. The results will amaze you!
ReplyDeleteThis is a sincere suggestion. The VSCCA is the oldest vintage sports car club in America. Membership is an interesting collection of both men and women that share the passion of rare vintage cars. Various events within what I suspect is your region. many events are held at Lime Rock Park northwestern Ct. Welcoming group with varied interests. Next gathering early May. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteFit, tall, thin, full head of hair, architect (who designs traditional buildings, when possible), lovely relationship with my grown daughters. Took me well into my 20s to realize that the Preppy Handbook was satire. Middle/late 50s. Alas, I’m in Portland…Oregon, not Maine.
ReplyDeleteOriginal poster here—I am hoping there is a wonderful Salt Water Pacific Northwest woman reading this that you can connect with !
DeleteGet thee to an online dating site! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post and replies. Thank you to all. The sparks are flying on SWNE!
I have something to contribute. I'm a man who was single (divorced) in midlife. I found love (soulmate kind of love) with a like-minded, preppy, highly educated, traditional gal. We were both in our early fifties. We met on a dating site.
You can't rely on clubs, churches, sports, etc. First, they are highly limited geographically. There may be a great potential partner in the next church, next yacht club, or next choir you will never meet. Second, most people in those groups are not single (unless it's specifically a singles group), so clubs are a highly inefficient way to start dating. Third, shared interests are important in a relationship but not that important. Maybe you like to play tennis, and your ideal mate likes golf. That's fine. But you may never meet unless you both belong to a club with golf and tennis. Do you see what I mean? There's virtually no chance of the right person dropping in your lap.
Online dating solves all those problems. Single people looking to date are concentrated in one place, and their styles/interests/personalities are immediately apparent. It's like belonging to every club there is without ever leaving your home. Yes, you will undoubtedly encounter lots of tattoos, flexing in the mirror, prize bass catches and deer kills, muscle cars, and tank tops. But what's the harm? You don't have to communicate with anyone you don't want to, and probably, those guys aren't looking for a preppy gal anyway. Keep an open mind. The things that matter in a romantic partner (like kindness, empathy, supportiveness, humor, and chemistry) can sometimes lurk behind a (small) tattoo or under a baseball cap.
If I may speak freely, I don't see why it would be seedy to join a dating site to find someone to date but not seedy to join a choir to find someone to date. Neither one is seedy, in my view. There is nothing unrespectable about being single or looking for a partner. I wish you fun, romance, and love in the next stage of your life!
Choirs are mentioned here. But there are many more women who sing than there are men. We have a small choir of eight. Six are women. If you are a man, be careful. The views in the loft often more pleasing than the view from the loft. Don’t let the sopranos carry you away.
DeleteAs a divorcée in her early forties with a young child, I sympathize with the author of the question. I, too, have refrained from online dating sites. I choose to focus on improving my skills in areas I am passionate about (sailing lessons, gardening, spending time outdoors, etc.). Sometimes the road is lonely with only my little sidekick and myself. However, I find that by keeping busy I rarely have time to think about my dating life.
ReplyDelete