A reader question:
Dear Muffy,
May I pose a question for you and the community? How should one cope when the place they have resided their entire lives changes drastically, and not for the better?
I live in a state not necessarily known as being preppy (sadly we are more associated with cable tv mob dramas and “Real Housewives”), but we have always had enclaves that were very much The Thing Before Prep. My family has been in one of those communities for centuries and when I was growing up here, it was wonderful. There was a lot of old money, but also a great mix of middle class and blue collar craftsmen that all lived side by side. There were Volvo wagons, boat shoes, tennis whites and OCBDs as far as the eye could see. People mostly behaved with decorum and class, whether at the beach, in local businesses or dining out. It was a wonderful place to live.
Unfortunately, word traveled on how appealing the area was and it has tragically been altered almost beyond recognition.
In recent years, the lovely modest cape style homes that existed alongside mansions have been razed to the ground and replaced by massive, soulless new builds. Any of the beautiful open land we had is being covered with new construction so more of these new money transplants can move in. Volvos and polo shirts are suddenly replaced with matte black Range Rovers, spandex, acrylic nails and eyelash extensions. Class and discretion have been replaced by loud crassness and it is breaking my heart. Our community recently went viral when an altercation in a once respected restaurant—complete with cursing, slurs, threats and a drawn steak knife—had to be broken up by police and resulted in an arrest.
Is there any way for us old school residents to preserve our treasured community in the face of these challenges, or do I pack up and find somewhere else to live?
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Leave NJ and move to CT !
ReplyDelete^+1
DeleteYou have my sympathies. In some ways, you describe what is called a “first world problem.” But were it happening to me I would be just as upset as you are. Not much way to avoid it though. Even tiny mountain towns are being bought up and houses razed for new money eye sores. But the opposite invasion will also happen soon also if certain geo-political leaders have their way. The only communities that will be safe from it are those where the political leaders themselves live inside their own high walls.
ReplyDeleteSpend more time enjoying the place and less time reading about it in local and rag media. Uphold the values you cherish by the way you live. You can’t stop people from buying property & building on it or behaving like jerks, but you can ignore it.
ReplyDeleteYou have my complete sympathy, as I too am experiencing this. Sadly, it will only get worse. I thought I would die in my father’s house. Now I am on the verge of moving. Drug dealers with cash to wash are buying up houses and installing their girlfriends. They throw parties where 300 people show up and shoot each other in the front yard. All this in a neighborhood of elderly WASP retired couples. I am planning to move.
ReplyDeleteEveryone comes from somewhere that’s not like it used to be.
ReplyDeleteHear hear.
DeleteVery true! Some places change for the better, others for the worse. In Britain, our cities and large towns have changed dramatically in the last ten years. Millions of migrants have arrived from north Africa, the Middle East, Asia, and China. It's the same in the European Union, especially France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands and Sweden.
DeleteOver the last 20 years so, the middle classes have been moving out from the cities and large towns to the country. Unfortunately, the violent drugs gangs have expanded their "county lines" to the country so there's no escaping them. We have adjust our lives to reflect the reality that the culture war has been lost and nowhere is safe.
Please, add to this list Austria and even Switzerland which is not a part of the EU, and didn't have to participate in this madness.
DeleteVienna used to be the last safer city and now it's the same as anywhere else, crime is exploding, drug dealers everywhere, gangs, robberies named now "home invasion", the list is much longer.
And the absurd rankings which may mislead "the city with highest quality of life". Yes, public transportation is great apparently, but one is afraid to take it.
The best thing to do is focus on yourself and your immediate environment, and make yourself, and it, as much your ideal as possible. You cannot affect the world beyond your own liminal borders, but you can affect how you see and present yourself, and make that your representation to the changed world around you. How you act, how you dress, how you communicate, and how you comport yourself is how to lay the surest, clearest claim on what remains of the world you remember. And, as others here have also said, you have my deepest sympathy. It's the one aspect of getting older that I hadn't counted on. Our generation is the first to witness an ENTIRE discombobulation of what we grew up knowing, instead of nips and tucks and evolutions of the more normal sort. Chin up, my dear. And good luck, in all sincerity. xo
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting topic and one that hits close to home. There's something to be said for trying to "wait it out" - that is, until it's too late. I'll tell a cautionary tale. My mother's side of the family is WASP - Protestant Congregationalists of Swedish and Danish descent. They immigrated in the late 1800s and settled in Brockton, Massachusetts. My family home was built there in 1892 and still stands. At that time and up until around the early 1980s Brockton was a thriving industrial center, known for its abundance of shoe factories. It even had America's first electrified public building, installed personally by Thomas Edison, who once wrote he has never been to a snobbier place. However, in the late 70's and early 80's, deindustrialization/globalization came and the majority of the manufacturing left Brockton and moved overseas. Economic depression set in and also brought with it an influx of immigration from places like Haiti, Cape Verde and other poverty-stricken nations. And with that came crime and white flight. But my grandparents stayed, believing they could outlast this period of hardship. Long-story-short, they both have long since passed on and spent their later years dealing with the problems that come with that kind of cultural shift: multiple car break-ins, litter on their front lawn, loud neighborhood parties into the early morning hours, open air drug dealing next door, etc. They probably would have been happier having moved to Maine, which they often discussed, but never committed to it.
ReplyDeleteAll that is to say, pay close attention to what is happening around you and if you see that the momentum of the negative change is too great, maybe it's time to consider moving to a new place that is more consistent with your culture, values, norms, etc.
Well, I wouldn't pack my things to find somewhere else to live.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how big the place is, but perhaps letting the newcomers to know about unwritten code and rules of living (well) together would be an idea.
I guess we are talking about not that brilliant people if they didn't bother to find it out earlier and made it as smooth as possible for both sides.
Nearly entire western world became a place where people are "from somewhere". Only few unfortunately learn the language, history, culture code before they land in a new place.
And before you know it, the whole neighborhood will be wearing their shirts untucked.
ReplyDeleteWell… there are some corners of New England where time seemingly has stood still. Most are not, obviously and unfortunately, on the shoreline. These places, by and large, are out of the way and some miles from an interstate highway or even a major state road. There, for example, is one area of Connecticut (of all places) where I was born, moved away from for decades, and to where we returned a few years prior to retirement. You exit a 4 lane state highway and drive nearly 40 miles to our town. I have been making the trip since I was a child. Outwardly, there has been no change. You do not pass one strip mall or “convenience store” along the way, not even a gas station. The towns, villages really, by and large look the same as they did in the 1950’s. But… most of the farms are gone. The few small manufacturers are gone. And much to the dismay of the local population weekenders have moved in. I was in on a conversation recently where one local remarked, “if there’s an Audi or a Mercedes with New York plates behind me, I slow down and very closely observe the speed limit.” “Yeah”, someone else said. “And if they have New Jersey plates I start to swerve.”
ReplyDeleteThis sounds familiar. When you are off the beaten path you are more likely to be among descendants of the old-line families, both those of means and those less well-off. Some younger people, of course, move away. They are curious about big city life. Some of these folks are gone for good. Others return, grateful for having the option. The immigrants are few in our area, alas. For they are very hard workers. Drugs, of course are everywhere. Though here they are not sold in the open. And violence against leaf-blowers is low.
DeleteI know this does not answer your question but I feel the need to repeat what I have posted here before. The people and way of life that you are describing has disappeared almost everywhere. It is why I have been drawn to this blog for so many years. It does sadden me to read some of the comments that are posted here by people who feel the need to lash out viciously at those who they feel aren’t up to their standards in dress, lifestyle and looks. They are about one step away from the new money crassness that you have written about. And sadly, they don’t understand how close they are to the people they belittle.
ReplyDeleteTrue, but I personally haven't been able to find a blog that even comes close to upholding the lifestyle that many of us humbly long for. Have you? If you have, please, do tell.
DeleteSad but true!
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded of Roger Scruton's observation: “Conservatism starts from a sentiment that all mature people can readily share: the sentiment that good things are easily destroyed, but not easily created.” The work to conserve the goodness of an old place and old ways is difficult and also worth the effort.
ReplyDeleteDeepest thanks for the Scruton reference. I am just back from one of his summer schools.
DeleteThe focus of the original post on styles of dress, appearance, architecture, etc., seems misplaced as a far as an indicator of a place's character. Those things may be the most obvious and visible, but the institutions of a place carry much more weight. Town or village government, volunteer organizations and cultural offerings are the places to focus on. Seek out those who treasure what they offer, encourage participation and support, promote and develop them in concert with like-minded neighbors. Some examples are local libraries, historical societies, performance spaces with a wider range of offerings, school events for all ages, annual and seasonal public celebrations (parades, festivals, etc.). Such things engaged in enthusiastically by a wide range of friends and neighbors contribute more to a places character than the built environment and preferences for particular indications of 'a style'.
ReplyDeleteYou, SIr or Madam, are exactly right. You not only capture that which is most important in our civic lives, but also that which is worth preserving and protecting.
DeleteYou're describing the situation in pretty much any Jersey shore town now. Sea Girt is still pretty nice, have you been there?
ReplyDeleteThank you! Funny thing is growing up, locals never, ever called it the “Shore” (that term was reserved for communities far south of us), we would just say we lived by the beach. I do have friends that are in the Sea Girt area and they love it. That is definitely something on my radar in the 3 to 5 year range for a move.
DeleteSame here, it was always "the beach." I must have adopted the term that north Jersey (where I live now) uses by osmosis.
DeleteJL
There's a lot to unpack here. Of course, there's nothing wrong with moving to find a place that's more congenial to you. That's what the Puritans did! But, today, when nice places stay nice, it's not just luck. It's work--town councils, zoning boards, land trusts, environmental organizations, historical preservation commissions, etc. The only thing that can counteract rampant crassness is organized class. I am always stunned that people will pays thousands of dollars to travel to nice places in Europe put won't lift a finger to make their hometowns nice. Anyway, the solution, if there is one, is to work: organize, get involved, find like-minded people, talk to people who have been successful preserving other towns, and so on.
ReplyDelete@9:39: "But, today, when nice places stay nice, it's not just luck. It's work--town councils, zoning boards, land trusts, environmental organizations, historical preservation commissions, etc."
DeleteAbsolutely, communities need contributors, not consumers. I think the unfortunate post-pandemic, WFH reality is that communities that were once held together by contributors and now swamped by consumers. It's a good first step to double down on being a contributor, but there's only so much you can do.
Not to dare correct a New Englander but, as opposed to the Separatists who left earlier, did not the Puritans stay in England as long as they could to reform the Church of England from the inside, that is until they were forced out? JDV
DeleteAgreed. Crass, loud, and obtrusive is now the rule almost everywhere. Trying to keep that out is futile for a variety of reasons. As my late father used to advise us children about so much in life, don't say anything. It's a battle you cannot win. I suggest doing your research online, and make plans to relocate in the next 3-5 years if at all possible. Otherwise, do your best to maintain reasonable standards in your personal life and sidestep the rest whenever possible.
ReplyDeleteKind (and Empathetic) Regards,
Heinz-Ulrich
Get out and move elsewhere while you still are able to do so. We are unburdened by what has been as we remake the world in shame of our past and in tune with progressive values. Resistance is futile and if you wish some other outcome you must seek out more regressive places.
ReplyDeleteOof there's an awful lot of casual racism going on here today. :-/
ReplyDeleteThere is literally no "casual racism" in most of these comments, if any.
DeleteApologies if/as needed, but I fail to see any racism in the comments. Is there a lense you are using that keeps them hidden from the rest of us?
DeleteThese changes are happening everywhere, and in larger cities and their suburbs they are accelerating as local governments push to increase density, believing it will create more affordable housing. For many years I ran a large state's affordable housing agency (the only way to make housing affordable is through subsidization), and we prided ourselves on how well the properties we oversaw were run and maintained. Yes, most of the residents had likely never socialized with WASPs, but I am hopelessly WASP myself, and they welcomed me and were people I would welcome as neighbors. You can hang onto most things you treasure, but your surroundings will almost inevitably change. That change does not have to be bad. My exceptionally wealthy neighbors who have just built 6000 sf white with black trim monstrosities seem to have a solid lock on crass.
ReplyDeleteSo true. But would you disagree that the vast majority of the population aspires to owning a 6,000 sf monstrosity?
DeleteI think the vast majority go through phases, and if you are young, have a growing family, career potential, and status aspirations, a 6,000 sf home might sound fantastic, but when you are winding down your career and your kids are off on their own, a huge house can be an albatross 'round the neck. For the majority of us, a 6,000 sf home would never be an aspiration. For lots of people just starting out, even a very small home can be tantalizing but just out of reach. We need more housing that suits more household situations.
DeleteI am the reader that initiated the question and so appreciate all of the response. I just wanted to clarify a few things. There is nothing at all racial about the issue I spoke of occurring in my community. The newcomers are actually making it harder for us to have the economic and class diversity that were abundant for at least a century in the area. Basically it is very new money from areas north of us that buy up the older, more modest housing options and build 6000 sq foot eyesores on small lots. With them comes a lot of loud, ostentatious flashiness and crassness. I have stayed true to my values sought to maintain civility and decorum. However, it is difficult when even running errands locally you can find yourself at the mercy of aggressive drivers that will tailgate and cut you off, then give you the finger and yell obscenities at you, just as an example. This has happened to me more than once. It’s just very sad to see that this is now the norm in a once sleepy area that was delightful to reside in and that many who have been here for generations can’t afford to stay because the smaller house options have disappeared.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get anything racial in your post.
DeleteBad manners and Range Rovers know no boundaries. However Range Rovers no matter how expensive do break down with alarming frequency, maybe some poetic justice.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very layered topic and I'm disappointed to see so much fear of immigrants as part of it. The real story is, we live in a heavily consumerist culture. We are told every day, almost everywhere we look, that we're only doing well if we can loudly indicate our prosperity with trendy and expensive stuff. It's inescapable in America. "Keeping up with the Joneses" will always be a thing here, whatever those "Joneses" are wearing/driving/living in. Until we get a handle on endless consumerism, we'll probably keep seeing the gaudy overtaking the quaint.
ReplyDeleteThis is what happens when stratification is solely linked to economic "status." It is indeed disheartening to see a way of life with an attendant value system becoming obsolete and/or threatened. Not sure what the solution might be that would not be deemed Un-American. I, quite frankly, blame the Postmodern movement.
ReplyDeleteDear original questioner Anonymous, I am so sorry that your area has been overrun with these types as you have now described in greater detail. I think the question should be, why did they all leave Boston?
ReplyDeleteOne of the villains was Eisenhower and his highway system which made it easy to get to former hideaways and develop them. The 1938 hurricane removed the remaining elm trees and ruined the look of villages. A book I highly recommend is Peter Blake: God's Own Junkyard.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the book reference. I read a review from the New York Times about it; some of the takeaway lines are “...the brutal destruction of scale...” and “...the impact on a sensitive eye is bruising...”
DeleteI wanted to mention this in the context of the Jersey shore (or beach) towns that the OP mentions. There is a river (actually a salt-water bay) in my old home town, just as there is in the OP’s home town. At one time, the vista was Victorian and colonial style houses on the distant shore. Now the shores are lined with ostentatious structures that more resemble convention centers or office buildings than houses, both in size and number of windows (for example, 20 windows to a floor), and dwarfing the older houses that remain. This has changed the perspective, or scale, so that the opposite shore seems much closer and the river smaller. Adding to that, there is constant motor boat traffic that makes the river resemble the parkway at rush hour.
Many houses in town have been torn down and larger houses that appear too big for the lot have been put their places, including a small cottage on a corner lot said to be where Richard Harding Davis spent his summers as a boy. This lot now has a large McMansion on it that extends nearly to the curb. Well, at least it reduces the amount of lawn that needs mowing. During the Christmas season, this house is brightly lit up with large decorations and floodlights that make you feel like you’re in a well-lit parking lot outside the mall, illuminating the entire street in bright white light, and gone is the cozy winter darkness I remember on that street before the advent of the architecture apocalypse.
When visiting family nearby, we usually take refuge in as-of-yet untouched places, such as the beach and little town areas of Bay Head or Sea Girt. Both towns have zoning laws intended to stem the tide of this rampant building spree.
JL
That river was a central part of my childhood/ adolescence and yes, the new builds now on its banks are by and large grotesque. Thank you for also noting the seasonal that have taken over during the Holidays. I too used to love the peaceful darkness and tasteful white lights and wreathes that adorned most homes here from end of November through the start of the New Year. Those displays seem to be getting displaced and replaced and tapers of the community now resembles a southern outpost of Dyker Heights, Brooklyn. I already dread my neighbors putting up the flashing plastic candy canes all around their property —which can likely be seen from outer space!
DeleteWe live in what some new arrivals from NYC call “the middle of nowhere.” Homes are built fairly far apart. One homeowner wraps over 2 dozen hardwoods with multi-colored Christmas lights every year. We love it.
DeleteUnfortunately, Sandy wrecked the beach in Bay Head, now man made, it is hardly untouched.
DeleteBelmar and Spring Lake still holding strong to the "old ways"
DeleteThe interstate highway system was built in the name of national defense. I-91 runs along the Vermont-New Hampshire state line straight to Canada. That way when the Canadians attack we’ll be ready to rush troops to the border. That’s very comforting.
ReplyDeleteThe Interstate Highway System is no modern marvel. The Romans saw the need to move armies and to facilitate commerce 2,000 years ago. The road network they built was 10,000 miles longer than our interstate system. Small portions of it are still in use.
DeleteMaybe as therapy go to an old town's reading room/library/photo archive and do a side-by-side of old photos vs. what's there now. The old is bucolic and the modern is always cringe, or if you're lucky the streetscape is set in stone. Like Woodstock, Vermont or Stonington, Maine. Point is everything's going downhill--you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteWe live quietly down a dirt road in "off the beaten path" away from the glitz of the outside world. My recommendation is to find yourself 5-10 acres away from the hubbub and indulge in the world you seek.
ReplyDeleteI think you have the right idea
DeleteI made the second comment at the top, and seeing that some have played the racism card is disturbing. I see nothing racist in not wanting one’s historic neighborhood to change, unless, it was simply due to other races moving in. That would be bad. My wife and I live on a street with 10 houses which is only about 35 years old. Only two original owners are left. Most current owners are retired military. Whenever a house opens we pray for good neighbors to move in, and we specify no criminal element or pit bulls. I know of no other way to safeguard a neighborhood, unfortunately. So far the worst neighbor has been an early twenties guy who worked on his hotrods all day on Friday and Saturday. The noise was insufferable. But back to the original post, the influx of new money (drug, tech, whatever) over old money respectability in terms of neighborhoods is very unfortunate sign of what some call “progress.” I do not.
ReplyDeleteCompletely agree 100%.
DeleteThis has been a very interesting discussion. At the risk of going off on a bit of a tangent we've found ourselves in a bit of a similar situation this summer with one major difference, considering moving north because it's getting too hot here (Roanoke, VA)! I've always wanted to live in New England but my husband continually vetoed it. He's originally from the Midwest but has lived in the south for far longer now. But after this summer he's completely open to the idea. We love where we live for the most part and after several nomadic years early in our marriage, we assumed we'd probably stay here forever. I'm originally from London and always felt like a fish out of water growing up there. A much smaller, friendlier city and the abundant mountains, forests and creeks are much more my cup of tea. We don't have family here, but friends of course, and some days the logistics of moving our stuff, animals, cars, boats etc several hundred miles away is totally overwhelming. However, we're just about young enough still to feel excited about exploring an entirely new part of the country, living nearer the coast and so on. I would particularly love the 'oldness' of everything in NE coming from England. We do have a slightly easier option available to us, the nearest town to our west, a much smaller college town, is over 2,000 feet higher than here which makes quite a difference in the high (and low!) temps. What to do, what to do?? But if I was in your situation, I think I'd head for pastures new.
ReplyDeleteI grew up about 90 minutes from Roanoke, further SW down I-81. We went to Roanoke for the malls, for major medical appts, to watch the Buckskins football, and so on. As a kid I thought it was the largest city in the world. Have been in New York, LA, London, Paris, etc., but whenever I am in Roanoke that old feeling comes back. The Hotel Roanoke, the Mill Mountain Star, Lakeside amusement park, the downtown S&W? cafeteria, the Roanoke Times, shopping at the downtown Heronimus (sp?), [most are gone now, of course]. And I watched Channel 7 with my parents until they died 9 and 6 years ago. You have it made :)
DeleteIt’s funny my wife said to me 20 years ago that the most valuable thing in the future will be privacy. Seems that she was right. I’m glad we followed her advice and moved to farm country in Virginia. We’re surrounded by properties that are in easement. Unfortunately, it’s very expensive. It’s not that I don’t like the people who are moving in around us in Pennsylvania. The fact of the matter is, I just wanted privacy and it was disappearing.
ReplyDeleteAs population increases it is becoming more and more difficult to live near cities and have privacy and quiet. That will continue most likely.