Photo by Muffy Aldrich
The Modern Guide to The Thing Before Preppy

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Sent by Patsy: Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village

Kindly Sent by Patsy:


  1. If it's a Midsomer village, there will be three murders before Barnaby and Jones solve them. Love this! Thank you.

    1. Oh, yes, avoid Midsomer Anything at all costs. That county must account for 90% of English homicides. I'd also stay away from any group of really-dedicated-amateur-whatevers: one is always downhome nuts.

      On a domestic note, if you're a Marine, desert before being assigned near NCIS headquarters.


  2. I've a few more tips to stay alive in the English countryside. Don't stay in hotels with swimming pools or spas. They are ideal places to commit murder. Similarly, don't go fox hunting or shooting which are obvious opportunities for dastardly deeds. Rivers, beaches, caves and cliffs are very dangerous places. And then there is Oxford...

    Be wary of pub landlords who hear all the juicy gossip and will readily blackmail those with something to hide. Stay clear of antique dealers who are more dodgy than Lovejoy or Arthur Daley. Solicitors and estate agents (or realtors across The Pond) are less trustworthy than your average bank robber.

    Avoid ex-Army officers (often phoneys or Walter Mitty fantasists) who are notoriously intolerant of newcomers, especially "Johnny Foreigner". They tend to have even less money than impoverished aristocrats. Like academics and actors, they borrow small fortunes to fund their mistresses' extravagant lifestyles.

    All of the above characters are natural suspects in any murder inquiry. Don't say that you haven't been warned!

  3. LOL!!!
    and always beware of a weirdly affectionate mother and son wearing too much makeup and happen to run the local mortuary.

  4. Absolutely perfect.

  5. Almost as dangerous as Cabot Cove, or Paradise.

  6. Selling life insurance policies aren’t now Pasty love?

  7. Important omission: Stay away from all events that will include detectives or anyone who knows a detective. Murders tend to happen when a detective is within hailing distance.

    Also: Avoid masquerades or events that require masks.

  8. It's too late for me. I've been to Oxford, Castle Comb, Bampton, the meat market area of London (Sweeney Todd) and Edinburgh Castle = Macbeth (Make Scotland Great Again.


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