From Our Archives: A Classic Blog Post with an Updated Twist and a Contemporary Flair, Inspired by Leo Tolstoy and William Gaines

Many would agree on the basic sine qua non of classic clothes.

• Have a style that will not be soon dated;
• Are usable over a wide range, from business casual when new to working the field when old;
• Have tough construction;
• Err on simplicity and well thought out functionality;
• Blend in, and only occasionally and subtly are witty, jaunty, and dashing;
• Are wearable across ages;
• Are relatively expensive but fairly priced;
• Do not hinder physical activity;
• Have a style that is a continuation of their UK roots, but optimized for the New England culture, activities, and climate;
• Are repairable and alterable;
• Get better with age;
• Have a bias towards natural fibers and non-fussy care.

For all of these reasons, and unlike many other clothes available today, classic items do not end up prematurely in landfills.

However, so many American companies seems to be replete with - not classic preppy clothes but according to the vendors' emails and web sites - something even better.  Clothing vendors seemed to have learned from some bloggers and Instagramers that they should be unabashed in the superlatives they use to describe themselves, unbothered by decorum or pesky reality.

In some cases, aimless clothing companies are now copying the preppy cosplayers on Instagram, who themselves were re-enacting the 'Meet the Hilfigers" advertisements, which were riffs on the earlier Ralph Lauren campaigns, that were based on the work of Slim Aarons.

Here are some enthusiastic phrases, and speculation as to what the vendor is actually saying.

What they say...	What they mean...
Technical Fleece	Nothing to do with actual fleece.
Wrinkle- and stain-free fabrics	Rash almost guaranteed.
Please fill out this survey.  We value your opinion.	Our marketing people want to know what we should pretend to be.
Fresh take on old favorites	It will be dated before it is paid off. But we fired all of the workers and sold the factories, so you are not getting your real favorites back.
Our largest collection ever	We have given up on taste and market research. You decide.
Legendary style	Last season's attempts to sell to hip 20 year-olds didn't work, so now we are posting stolen pictures of JFK and Paul Newman like some unemployed blogger.
Inspired by Maine	Made in China.
Inspired by fall in Maine	Inspired by our year-end bonuses.
Fresh take on classic New England style	We stole the design, slapped lighthouses on it, named it after a New England town, and tripled the price. You're welcome.
Inspired by our archives	In the old days, other companies made low-quality knock-offs of our clothes. Now, we make our own knock-offs.
New take on an old classic	An intern had a great idea.  Now if we can find highly-influenceable twenty-two year olds with a lot of disposable income, we are perfectly positioned.
Top of the line	Expensive.  Technically, it's the mid-range offering of the company we sourced it from, but since we mark everything up 4x, we thought we'd throw in some superlatives.
Updated classic	Why wear one pattern when you can wear five? Why whisper when you can yell?  Soon to have an updated price: 80% off.
Vintage-inspired with a contemporary twist	Hipster
Expertly hand-crafted	The first two weeks were rough, but the expert's third week has gone much better.
Updated Heritage Collection	It will fall apart the third time you wear it. Luckily, most people only wear it twice.
Our exclusive designs	It may be made in the same factory as Kohl’s and Wal-Mart, but the colors and tags are different.
We brought back a classic item	Almost as good at four times the price. Hey, our CEO likes a lot of compensation. And social media doesn't come cheap.
Traditional with a modern flair	For people who confuse reality with Instagram. Just take the picture of yourself quickly before you try to move in it.
We are just a couple of kids with a dream	That is what the PR firm we hired told us to say, and our investors, who keep threatening to cut off our funding, agree.
Authentic New England	For people who can’t find New England on a map.
Updated rendition	If it weren't for the changes we made to this classic item, you would love it.
Nautically inspired	The only real boats we encounter are for photo shoots, but high heels are always appropriate.
New classics	Because you can’t have too much costume gold. For people who are, in the words of Oscar Wilde, "a peacock in everything but beauty."
Building on our outdoor tradition	Dry clean only.
Selected just for you	We put a lot of money into our big data program. If this doesn't work we are firing our MBA consultants.
Exclusive friends and family event for our most valued customers	Big sale.  Next week we are selling it by the pound. Frankly, we can’t give this stuff away.
Legendary craftsmanship	Or so our outsourcers have assured us.
New updates on traditional classics	We secretly replaced all natural fibers with synthetic ones. We managed to reduce the amount of material by 40%, and the weight by 80%. And we made it black. Tah-dah!
(Learn more) About us	Here is self-promotion so shrill that it would make a presidential candidate in the last week of a campaign blush. Bring a shovel.